How to fall flat on your face, be a complete wreck, and love it!
Recently I was asked this question.
"What are the things in your life that have the potential to hinder your journey with the Lord and keep you from jumping in completely. What are the hinderances that have the potential to make your journey 40 years longer than needed, before the fulfillment of your 'God promise' comes to pass?"
This came from Maria Jackson, our HEARTBRIDGE Performing Arts Company leader as she shared some of her own story. It was a Friday morning and we were processing the week's teaching we just had by Joseph Avakian on Identity and Worldview.
I was surprised how quickly two answers came to mind as I looked at my notes and processed with God.
"I don't believe in myself - fear that I won't be good enough, fear of failure."
and the second hinderance that came to my mind, which really comes out of the first one was;
"I'm afraid of doing it alone, that I can't be an initiator and take steps towards the bigger picture even if I'm by myself."
I have these God-given dreams and hopes for the future. Ideas or words from God that begin to shed light on how he wants me to partner with him to impact the nations and the generations, and I believe in God, that he is capable to do anything. I've seen miracles, signs and wonders, and I've seen God turn the hardest hearts back towards him. But I can see I have trouble believing in myself. I know God wants to use me, but I also feel like he has a plan B, like he'll find someone else if I fail. And to a certain extent I think this is true. Like in the book of Esther, when Mordecai says that if Esther doesn't do her part, salvation for the Jews will arise from another place.
But there is also the reality that no one else can live my life for me. Everything I do, every decision and action I take, has consequences whether for good or bad. And God will continue to knock on my heart and continue to ask for more space in my life, and he will walk with me, through my decisions, whether good or bad. He will continue to champion me to become more godly and to be an ambassador for his kingdom. He will not disown me or cast me off.
So what is a timeless truth that I can speak into this situation?
God, never for one second, stops believing in me. He never stops thinking that he can use me to bring his kingdom on earth.
Yes, like Abraham and Sarah, or so many other examples in the Bible, if I mess up there will be consequences. But God is powerful and big enough to bring beauty out of my mistakes and redemption, and He can still use me.
Theologically I don't have all the answers about pre-destination and God's will, and our free will and how they inter-connect etc. I have ideas, but I'm still on a journey with God. But I will not move forward the way God wants me to, until I deal with this issue of not believing in myself.
Joseph Avakian this week talked about how we have a box, or a grid system that we have put ourselves in. As we've accepted what's been spoken over us directly and indirectly through our parents, culture, family, experiences, community, and country etc,, we've created a box that defines us and that we live in. A box that says "This is who I am." The problem is that this box was not given to us by God. And ultimately this box, though we think it defines us and protects us, it separates and isolates us. And God wants to come in and pick away at it and show us who we really are, how he sees us. But to do this we need honesty.
Joseph shared how when we let God into our box and let him start to open it up, and work on us, it can get messy and can hurt. Swimming against the current, like a Salmon swimming upstream is hard work and it's a continuous choice.
So how can I fall flat on my face,
be a complete wreck,
and love it?
If I'm falling flat on my face because God is working in my life and helping me to give him more room in my box. If I'm a complete wreck because God is starting to poke some holes in my box and let more of his light in, and more of my true self out, then I will love it. We have to start somewhere, and we won't get it perfect the first time. But are we content to stay in our boxes? Or will we try to trust God and let him re-make us into his image?
MY PRAYER:
God, help me to get out of my box and become more like you and walk in right relationship with you, for the more I know you, the more I know myself and who you created me to be. And as I become the best me that I can be, I can then affect the world around me and be an influencer of nations and generations. AMEN!
